I've been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I've come to realize that a lot has changed in my life over the past year or so. A year ago, my parents had not yet announced they were divorcing. A year ago, Aaron was still in North Carolina. A year ago, my uncle was still alive. A year ago, I had (was just getting ready to start, really) my first job.
Needless to say, all of that has changed. My parents have separated, Aaron has moved away, my uncle has been gone almost a year now, and I don't have a job anymore.
I can't say that any of that hasn't sucked, because, let's face it, it has. I've gone through more this past year than I've ever really gone through in my life, and I can't say that it hasn't affected me, because it has. If I'm honest with myself, I'd say I'm not as happy-go-lucky anymore. I'm more closed-off, more introverted. I've always been a creature of habit, of routine, and the changes that have come from this past year have not always been welcome.
This past year has been filled with a lot of 'downs', and as much as I try to only focus on the 'ups', it's a hard thing to do. I mean, I can't even go back to Catered Affairs to work the football season this year, which would have made me between $700 and $900 dollars over a total of seven days of work. And as much as my mom tries to hold it off, my dad wants us to move out of the house so he can put it up for rent.
Honestly, I've never felt so conflicted about either of my parents in my entire life. I feel bad because we don't spend much time with my dad, and yet I'm angry at him for starting all this, because if it wasn't for him wanting a divorce, we would never be in this situation. I would still have a job, we wouldn't be practically living paycheck-to-paycheck, and I could have at least had some semblance of a normal life. I can't get past the fact that he says he has me and my brother's best interests at heart, and yet it feels like we're getting screwed over just because he doesn't want my mom to be happy. My mom's trying her hardest to keep things going, but at the same time, she can't 1) get past all this animosity she has toward my dad and 2) realize that I'm old enough and mature enough to have a say in decisions that involve me.
In all honesty, I can't say that I'm "okay." That seems to be my answer to everyone lately. "I'm okay." "I'm fine." "It's alright." I've just now started to realize that I can't keep lying to myself. I can't keep telling myself that I'm okay, because in reality, I'm not. Some days, I can stay busy enough and not think about any of it. But, there are days like today where things come up and I hate my life.
And then, I hate myself because of how childish I'm being over all this. There are people I know who have it far worse than I do, who are having family troubles of their own, and I hate myself for being so selfish about things that probably seem silly to other people, and will probably seem insignificant to me down the road. But, it's just hard to see past it right now.
I'm sorry to all of you who are reading this. I really didn't mean for this to become a rant about my family problems, but in all honesty, I do feel better when I can at least talk to someone, or in this case, write it out. I seem to be having a lot of mood swings lately, in terms of feeling good, and then feeling horrible. The good days feel really, well, good, but then the bad days (or in this case, a total of about an hour) feel that much worse. I'm not going to do anything stupid or drastic or dangerous, I promise, so if this whole thing has you concerned for my safety, don't worry. If I had bottled everything up and not written anything, maybe, but this makes me feel a whole lot better to have it out of my system now.
I think this week will prove to be a nice distraction from everything going on, though. My aunt, uncle and cousins are coming back into town for a night on their way from Florida to New York early in the week, and my Marine cousin, Matt, is coming up from Georgia for the weekend to visit with us and pick up his new car. So, it should be a fun time. And I promise the next post will be a lot less depressing.
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